I woke up with a pain in my back last week. It felt hard to bend my body to the right. I stopped trying to move so much. I stretched my body to release the tension, but it didn’t ease the pain much. I got up anyway and faced the day.
The news I had received the day before could have been the cause of my back pain. I got retrenched, and I lost my job. Once I absorbed the news, I immediately began to question my identity. My identity as a father, as the breadwinner, and as the backbone of the family now feels like a burden. Maybe the book* is right, your body always keeps the score.
I sat down with my thoughts. I took a deep breath.
As much as I tried not to feel sad, the pain, both emotional and physical, hurt even more.
With the mindful training and all the experience that I have, I know that I need to get away from this uncomfortable feeling. I now realize that the first thing I need to do is to accept the situation. This is uncomfortable, but this is the fact that I am living in. I recollect my strength. I reach out on my phone and send texts to my business partners to tell them that I am no longer with the company and to let them know that they should continue the business without me. I lift my chin as I hit the send button. This is it.
I know myself well enough to understand that I need help to keep my sanity. I called my counselor and my life coach and requested a session with both of them. It’s like medicine, I took a double dose that week and spoke with both of them to get a better perspective. I was lucky that their schedules were open and I could immediately jump on the calls with them.
I shifted my mentality about my identity as a father from being a victim of the condition to a fear that will cause this identity to be lost. I am still a father, a breadwinner, and the backbone of the family. I fear that this identity could be taken away. I accept that fear, and I use it as my motivation to move on.
It has been one week now, and the back pain feels less painful. It’s not gone yet, still there, but it is more manageable. I am much better at accepting the situation, and it looks like my body is with me. The road is still long, with many beautiful things yet to be discovered.
Like a song that I wrote, “To Live is to Keep Moving On.”
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